Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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