I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
