the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
