If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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