Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
