There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
