I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
