If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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