I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
