I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
