Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
