im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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