he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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