I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I deserve this hangover.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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