The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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