Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my shit smells like andre
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize