I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The uberlube is also flammable
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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