im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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