Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
