She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize