We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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