So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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