He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
