I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
