Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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