i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
