i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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