Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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