Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
