she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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