just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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