I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
