if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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