I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
