In the future we'll all be gay
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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