The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
