Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
