allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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