I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
