I wish my penis had an off switch
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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