The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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