So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
