If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
