When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
This show inspires me to have sex in space
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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