I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
