Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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