I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
