can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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