I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
