Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You may now shotgun with the bride
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize