Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
