I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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