We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
