Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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