I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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