I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
