last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The best revenge is premature balding
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
