He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
