He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
