I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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