Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
