please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
