I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
