I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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