Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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