John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
