remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
